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Interacting With Your Dating Partner With No Candles, Wine Or Lingerie!
A reporter interviewed me concerning intimacy in relationships. One of her queries was, "What are some of the easy ways that a husband and wife can bond, without candles, wine and expensive lingerie?"
Bonding has to do with intent. In any given moment we are in one of two possible intents:
The intention to have control over obtaining love and avoiding discomfort.
The intent to learn about being loving to ourselves and to others.
Virtually all of us have learned numerous ways of trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. We learned these shielding behaviors when we were youngsters. As adults we instinctively continue these learned controlling habits, such as: anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance.
For most people, these protective, controlling behaviors have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear is triggered, we automatically safeguard against the fear by arguing, blaming, assaulting, judging, shutting down, fighting off, or giving in. In relationships, the worries of rejection and engulfment generally underlie our protective behavior.
In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed, protected, or controlling, they cannot emotionally connect with each other. No matter how much time they invest together with candle lights, champagne or pricey lingerie, the connection will not be there when one or both are closed and protected.
Ironically, when the intent is to get love or avoid pain, what we create is a lack of love and much suffering. Our intent to control leads to the things we are attempting to steer clear of with our controlling behavior.
Our own intent is the one thing we do have control over. We do not have control over another's intent to be open and loving, but we do have control over our own intent to be open to learning about what it means to love ourselves and other people. It takes both folks being within the "intent to learn" for lovers to emotionally bond.
If both are open to learning, then they will be emotionally available to each other and can bond with a touch, a smile, or a kind word. Bonding has to do with the energy between them, not with anything external like candle lights.
The energy emanates from their intent. A controlling intent results in a heavy, dreary, hard, closed-hearted energy, while the open-to-learning intent creates a light, soft, open-hearted energy.
The big challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving. We automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behavior within the face of fear. Being open to understanding needs to be a conscious decision.
Developing the capability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process. The hallmark of higher consciousness is being able to choose your intent each and every moment, even within the face of fear.
When relationship partners are each able to reliably choose to be open to understanding loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to prosper. Then candles, vacations, and lingerie can enhance their experience with each other - the icing on the cake.
Effortless ways to bond? Browse: double your dating, doubleyourdating, or pandora's box scam.
Staying mindful and open to learning is not easy! The concept is easy, but doing it is far from easy. But devoting yourself to learning to remain open to learning within the face of fear might be the most fulfilling and rewarding experience in your life!
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